Greyhound

08/09/2009

This was typed up on my Itouch while I was sitting on the bus. I was pretty tired at the time, so bear with me. Although I don’t need to apologize because I’m grown, I feel that my super small following of readers deserve some explanation for the crappiness of the upcoming post because it takes so long for me to throw them up here. So, without further adu…Greyhound.

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Good goodness. This is my first post ever done from my itouch. Because of my stubbornness and fear of failing my drivers test twice I have to use this funky (stinky, not the 70s slang for “cool” or “hip”) bus to travel to and from Louisville.

I don’t know what the hell makes me want to continue riding this bus. These are a few of the things I’ve dealt with and learned while on this trip.

Number 1:  Like Chris Rock I hate Niggas. For thos of you who think I’m some Uncle Tom racist, then you are mistaken. Go look up on youtube Chris Rock and the difference between Black people and Niggas. HILARIOUS.

Number 2: This is coming from a fat man but, I can’t allow my children to grow up in the South. I’m not saying that being in the south makes people fat, but there is definitely a correspondence between obesity and distance south of the mason-dixon.

Number 3: Some nasty broad mistook the fearful gaze that I had due to her atrocious outfit for me checking her out.  She shot me a smile and I immediately turned my focus back to the issues of Spider-Girl (Spider-Girl is awesome btw) that I was reading at the time. To get my attention she hovered around my seat. The sight could be best described as reverse gravitational orbit as she made me look like Kimbo Slice or Reggie Bush. In this attempt to gain my attention she ended up spilling her 87 ounce big gulp full or grape soda and big red (or some other form of soda drank by those nasty people living in ‘The Nati’). I took this opportunity to leave. Lesson learned…fat chicks, meh. Ugly fat chicks, gross. Ugly, ghetto fat chicks from Cincinnati…no redemption.

Number 4: I just got finished reading World War Z so I’m very paranoid of sickly looking people. Lucky for me, it seems that 40% of the people at any given Greyhound station look like they escaped from CDC outbreak center. I feel as if I’m going to die, or become a zombie. Whatever. Sickly looking people keep trying to talk to me. This is the fourth or fifth time I’ve had to change seats. Lesson learned…antibacterial soap is awesome. Look into investing in some hand sanitizer.

Number 5: Now I’m on the actual bus. Yay for me. I have to endure these random rednecks (not so random as I’m pretty sure this bus was traveling to Tennessee or Alabama or some other neo-confederate state) relive their glory about the race track and NASCAR driving. They just started arguing over about how people shouldn’t read because they are wasting time that could be spent looking at playboy and maxim (for the kids) pictures. I’m all for titties, but goodness. Now, I’m pretty sure the beta male of the group (I refuse to give any of these uncle-cousins the title of alpha male) is showing sling-blade and Forest Gump’s retarded cousin porn pictures that he had on his flip phone. Possibly of Danica Patrick. I’m not interested. She has small boobs. The driver just finished giving some ghettofied speech (I feel as if her name has multiple Qs and apostrophes in the place of vowels)  about no alcoholic beverages being permitted on the bus. I definitely just started smelling some type of pungent, mountain whiskey coming from the redneck super friends. Lesson learned…greyhound sucks. I need my license.

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Actors

07/15/2009

The more and more I think about actors, the closer I come to the realization of the indubitable fact that actors don’t do crap. People complain about how athletes make way too much money, and blah blah blah. But all of that stems from the fact that a large percentages of professional athletes are Black and Hispanic. And everyone knows we can’t let these N*ggers and Sp*cs gain too much economic influence. But yeah, back on point.

Actors don’t do anything. Sure, they act, but that’s close enough. It’s like rounding .9999999 to 1.0 or something. Now, I love movies. And I consider acting a great skill, but when it comes to a movie, they are some of the least skilled people working on the movie. The writers are the most important people to entertainment because they actually create the ideas, story lines, characters and everything else relevant. Next are producers and directors because they bring the ideas into the real world using filming techniques, special effects, and finding these bum actors to portray the characters.

For those people that say “Gabriel, the actors have to be good. If you have bad actors, then pictures won’t work, blah blah blah.” While it is a valid point to say that good actors make good screenplays, producing and directing into greatness, it’s not a valid point to say that bad actors will ruin a movie. If this were the case, then there would be no bad actors in any films or programs produced in Hollywood (or Canada for that matter) that continued to get work. Take the Matrix for example. Will Smith was offered the role of Neo. But he turned it down for Wild Wild West (or some other terrible, yet enjoyable film.) Now the Matrix trilogy is a cult hit and inspired mass suicide (because people are stupid) in an attempt to escape “The Matrix” (really, these were just nerds and losers that couldn’t get girlfriends and were running out of anime porn to watch.) This happened despite the fact that Keanu Reeves was the main actor instead of Will Smith.  And when we flip flop to examine the Wild Wild West (or any movie that Will Smith has put out in the past five or six years), none of these films came close to the cult icon status that The Matrix possesses to this day. And Will Smith is one of the single greatest actors of ALL time while Keanu is slightly worse than Nicholas Cage.

What does that tell you fools? It says that actors suck and who cares.

-This post was dedicated to those douchey kids/adults/whatever from the Harry Potter film series. I don’t care that Emma Watson is going to Columbia. She’s just going to waste her education on something dumb like Literature or Religious Studies. Screw her, she doesn’t even look good…


Holidays

07/15/2009

I hate them. I’m fat. I’ve been fat most of my life. Within the past few years I have been actually doing a decent job of getting my body fat percentage down and increasing muscle mass and strength. My goal is to go head to head against the Hulk. Not the aged, steroid ridden wrestler who can barely wipe himself these days. The real Hulk. Bruce Banner. Yeah. That guy…

Anyway. Ever since the end of 2008 (Thanksgiving), I’ve been in a mindset of working out during the week just for the ability to eat high calorie, high fat, tasty things from places like Qdoba and Indi’s during the weekend. For this, I don’t blame complacency from already losing around 30 pounds and keeping it off. I don’t blame my laziness and lack of willpower when it comes to fried, spicy and crunchy foods. I do blame holidays though.

They suck. Most recently the 4th of July was here. When people around me are enjoying themselves and their food in a carefree manner then I forget that I’m about 800 pounds overweight and decide to eat like high metabolismed, skinny people. This is a big mistake. Yet, every holiday, when those Walmart commercials filled with Black people barbecuing and drinking red drink (that I presume is red flavored kool-aid…yes, red flavored. Red isn’t just a color when it comes to kool-aid), I lose all self control. I won’t be defeated again though. Mostly because all the holidays are over until the evil ones (TG and X) roll around. As for Halloween… I’m too grown and don’t like candy enough to go door to door in the middle of the night and look like I’m pulling a Michael Jackson. Too soon? Who cares.


Steve McNair

07/08/2009

Since I dissed MJ (the child toucher…) I can’t let this one go either. It wouldn’t be socially responsible for me to do so.

While I am a fan of Steve McNair (much to the dismay of certain associates of mine), the circumstances of his death could have been easily avoided. He could have died of diabetes like many Black people in our society. He could have died from heart disease like many older football players because of rampant steroid use during their career. However, I don’t think that would be likely considering the fact that he was always injured and his career was shortened. Usually people on the juice tend to get better as they age and win championships (sans A-Rod.)

But, back to the topic at hand. The circumstances of his death could have been avoided like the plague. All he had to do was stay faithful to his wife. Yeah, I know, another one of life’s tradgedies that can be solved just by being a decent person. Anyone with a 4th grade education (not recieved in the states of Kansas or Mississippi) knew what went down as soon as the news was leaked that Air McNair was found dead with some twenty year old. Yet, the news stations (when they aren’t busy covering the death of Michael and neglecting the death of Billy Mays) and team of investigators assigned to the case have taken nearly a week to come up with what happened. In five seconds, I not only knew what happened, but made a dramatization of said events using puppets in my head. This is the scene.

Place: Newly purchased condo by Steve McNair and random bummy member of his entourage from college (who still hangs with him because he has money and is basically a man groupie whose only purpose in the purchase of the condo is so that he can lie to his wife and sleep around with random skeezers…but hey, I’m not hating)

Time: Night time. Negroes love the night time.

Kazemi (skeezer chick): Why don’t you leave your wife. We can be together. WE can get married! I love you Steve.
Air McNair: Uhhh, how many times I got to tell you baby, marriage ain’t nothin but a sheet of paper.
Kazemi: Then you should tell your wife you love me!
Air McNair: Nah. That’s alright. Look, I love you. I told you this. Come on, let’s f*ck. I’ll pay for another semester of community college for you.
Kazemi: No! If I can’t have you, then she can’t either.
Air McNair: Don’t be like that baby. I mean, that’s my wife.
Kazemi: F*CK YOU N*GGA!
Air McNair: Look you crazy b*tch…she’s the mother of my children. I’m just f*ckin’ you…
Kazemi: Is that it? Huh? You just think I’m one of these hoes! I ain’t no ho Steve! I got dreams and aspirations n*gga. I’m going to own my own hair salon and serve breakfast food there! (I might have gotten this from BAPS…)
Air McNair: I’m outta here.

-BLAM BLAM BLAM BLAM!!!-

Kazemi stands over McNairs body crying.

Kazemi: We could have been together. I loved you Steve. Now, we gonna be together the hard way.

Gun to the dome…BLAM!

Kazemi falls over.

Roughly an hour or so later, random man groupie shows up hollering about people being shot. Waits thirty minutes before calling the cops like an idiot.


Michael Jackson

06/26/2009

Truly a great performer. One of the best ever. He changed the music game in so many ways, it’s ridiculous to even fathom what music (all types) would have been like without him. That being said…Michael Jackson can go choke on a dusty rock. Yeah…I said it.

Yesterday around 6 or something I started noticing all these facebook statuses pop up talking about how Michael Jackson was dead and stupid stuff. At the time, all the reports were coming from shady news sources like TMZ and crap like that. Unless I see it on a credible news station or website, then I don’t take it as true. So I changed my status to reflect the fact that I was waiting on the NBA draft and that I didn’t care about Michael Jackson.

This prompted a bunch or people and statuses to say things like “how can anyone not care about MJ” and other extraneous junk like that. I guess they thought I cared what they had to say. To those people, and anyone else reading this who disagrees with me on not giving a flying poo about Michael Jackson being dead, I pose this question. “Would you want him hanging out with your kids?”

If your answer is yes, then you need to immediately end your life and go hang out with your recently deceased child touching buddy. If the answer is no, then you feel where I’m coming from. Would anyone care if someone who molested children (or was accused of the same crap for 20 years) was executed? Why should someone that is rich and famous get the same treatment? It’s attitudes like this that make it possible for rich athletes to get thirty days in jail for killing someone while driving under the influence, but young men of color from financially disadvantaged backgrounds getting excessive jail time and penalties for messing with drugs that shouldn’t even be illegal in the first place.

The way I look at it, the world didn’t lose Malcolm X, or Martin L. King Jr, or Gandhi. I mean hell…Elvis (even though he stole all his crap from Blacks) was a racist. Where were all the upset Black people then? In my hierarchy of evil, racism pales in comparison to pedophilia.

To end this rant, I say good riddance MJ. A few more children will be safe in the world. Now all we need is for R. Kelly to get what’s coming to him.


Jon and Kate plus 8

06/26/2009

One of the good things about the passing of Michael Jackson was the fact that all of the facebook statuses went to show respect and admiration (except for mine and a few other decent human beings) towards Michael Jackson and away from the circusy douchebaggery of Jon and Kate plus 8.

I really don’t even want to write about this show because it’s so awful, but it was in my queue so…yeah.

It’s the root of the destruction of American society when everyone thinks it’s gay marriage and McDonald’s. The reality that two people could get famous from having babies shouldn’t exist. If anyone ever wonders why our tax dollars are going to pay for pieces of crap mothers like Octo-Mom, you shouldn’t. It’s directly correlated with the hours of programming that JK+8 take up on a daily basis.

What I want to know is, why are these people praised for having 8 kids, when this crap happens in the hood all the time. I don’t see broads I grew up around with excessive amounts of children being flown to Milan and to exotic beaches. They get blasted by pundits like Bill O’Reilly about being a drain on the economy. Which I agree with, but still. If Kate was Hispanic and Jon was Black, would anyone really give a crap about this show? Dang…I shouldn’t have even written that into existence. Now BET is going to produce a budget version of JK+8 which will piss me off more than those Wal-Mart commercials with Black people having picnics and barbecues.

Oh yeah…and Kate’s haircut is stupid. She needs to get hit by a bus.


Tiger Woods

06/24/2009

If it were 50 years ago Tiger Woods would have been beaten and lynched with the best of them. They would have called him a N*gger-Ch*nk and told him to go eat fried chicken rice (yeah, not clever, but blatant racists usually aren’t clever). While it’s true that to Black people, he looks Black (and to Asians he looks Asian, I kid you not, they claim him like Black folk do) this isn’t the 50s.

While blatant racism still exists, and many pro-Black people feel the need to have everyone (especially the most famous athlete in the world) Black on board to fight for the Black plight, if Tiger doesn’t feel like taking on that battle, then he doesn’t need too. I mean, it’d be great if Tiger said did a Black power salute after he won the masters or something, but odds are, that isn’t going to happen. He’s a grown man. He can do what he wants. He’s not selling crack in the hood. He isn’t doing commercials for menthol cigarettes or malt liquor targeting children. He’s not detrimental to the Black community, so people need to get off his back.

Tiger Woods identifies with being Bi-Racial (or mixed as us not quite so P.C. people say). He contributes millions of his own money to charity causes to help benefit needy children (lots of whom I assume are Black). So, while stupid ultra-pro-Black idiots with no idea of what they are talking about sit around and criticize this man, while he does more for the most important aspect of the Black community (children…yes children believe it or not, not you idiots with degrees in Communications and African-American Studies because you weren’t intelligent enough to do something else), it pisses me off.

In short. Yes, it’d be great if Tiger were to take aim at racism and against racist issues, but he doesn’t have to. He’s helping others and doing good will towards his fellow man. That’s good enough for me, and it should be good enough for you jokes.

NOTE: I consider myself semi-pro Black. I have nothing against people with degrees in Pan-African Studies, or even against people who bash Tiger, I’m just getting some crap off my chest. Communication degrees are a different story. 🙂


Dakota Fanning

06/24/2009

Quite frankly, I think she’s a little skank.

Several months ago my girlfriend dragged me to go see that movie The Secret Life of Bees. You know, one of those movies with an all-star Black cast that makes every Black female (and the snowbunnies that feel like they are part of Black culture just from throat swabbing a few dark meat sticks) drop whatever the hell they are doing and rush to the theater to waste 8 bucks (close to twenty bucks if they make their poor significant others pay for them.) Yeah…that kind of movie. So anyway, the main White actor in the film is Dakota Fanning.

Now, I didn’t really like her before this film. Mostly because she seems like one of those child prodigies that really isn’t good at anything important (like math, science, or some type of logical thinking that helps the world) but feels that she’s superior to everyone else because of what she has accomplished due to her young age. So when I learned that she was in the film I was pretty pissed. But still I tried to focus on Alicia Keys (who has her moments, I thinks she’s beautiful, but I’m not that attracted to her in most things I see her in). When that didn’t work because of the horrid 50s fashion, I decided I’d better pay attention to the plot and try to get some enjoyment out of the film.

About ten minutes into the film, after she (Dakota) got beat by her dad (or whatever happened to force her to move in with her three mammies) they showed some teenage Black boy. Now, me being a logical man, I noticed that the Black kid was about the same age as Dakota and putting two and two together I figured out that this was going to blossom into some “progressive” rendition of anti-racism. I was right. Several hours later in the film, they ended up kissing in a segregated theater and the black kid got stolen and beaten by the klan (or whoever).

This pissed me off on three levels.

1) That the prepubescent Dakota fanning was good enough looking to take a beating for is a joke. Screw that. Now the chick that played Ren Stevens…I’d give it to her. They should have cast her in the movie.

2) That her mammies, who obviously knew better than to let these budding interracial couple go into town, did anyway. I mean what the hell. If I had a kid and I lived in Alabama or Mississippi there would be no way in hell that I’d let my son or daughter (especially son) go gallivanting around with some snowbunny.

3) That dakota’s first on screen kiss (I’m assuming it was her first, if it wasn’t….Hollywood producers are pervs. That broad is like eight…) was with a Black “man”. This just reaffirms how I feel about her. I bet she thinks she’s the second coming of Angelina Jolie or something because she broke the racist Hollywood norms of an interracial on screen kiss, with her first kiss. I bet she’s going to become good friends with Raven Simone and they’ll go clubbing together and talk about how “Black” dakota fanning is, and how she has “soul” in her. F*CK DAKOTA FANNING!


The NBA draft

06/24/2009

This upcoming draft is going to be horrible. This might be the worst draft since since the draft of 2000. For those of you who don’t follow sports, I’ll try to throw you people a simile. If the draft that happens Thursday is the recession we’re in now, then the 2000 NBA draft was the 1929 stock market crash.

Lots of people are saying that the draft won’t be that bad because of all the athletes in the draft, but to those people I ask them to identify the people on the following list of athletes.

Darius Miles (I actually like him, but he sucks)
Keyon Dooling
DerMarr Johnson
Stromile Swift

Look familiar. They should, they’re on the All-Lotto Pick bust team from the 2000 draft. This year will be no different.

The three best players of this draft (who won’t flop and perform miserably) are Blake Griffin, Ricky Rubio, and Stephan Curry. There will be a few solid role players like any draft but Mr. I got a 12 on the ACT so I had to go play (ride the bench) in Europe won’t be one of them. He sucks…